Regression is a psychological defense mechanism where you protect yourself by reverting to an earlier development stage. In other words, it’s when you respond to stress by acting more immature than you are. It’s common, but it seems people rarely talk about it. And it’s only when I recently started looking into such things that I found that it explains a lot about my childhood.

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Last weekend, there was an “Alternativmesse” (Alternative Convention) here in Tromsø, and so I decided to attend this for the first time. But when, like me, you’re not so interested in something to believe, but in the hard truth, it becomes an interesting experience. On the one hand, it functions as an open marketplace for stuff that might be real but not mainstream for some reason. On the other, because of that openness, and the relative lack of public oversight, it’s also an attractive marketplace for fraudsters and con artists. How do you tell the truths from the lies?

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All my life I’ve held myself back, both consciously and unconsciously, for various reasons. But now, I’m at a point in my life where I think I need to stop doing that. I have to let go. Perhaps writing about it will help.

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There’s a little skill I think I lost many years (probably over a decade) ago: the ability to cry when I’m sad. Being able to cry is, in a way, healthy – it lets you get things out. If you can’t cry, things might stay inside you indefinitely. They become aches that never quite go away. You can try, but they’re always there, holding you back.

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I’ve lost many things over the years. Many things I miss. And many of them I didn’t really have to lose. It’s those that hurt the most: things that are lost because of something I did or didn’t do. A result of my own choices.

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