There’s a little skill I think I lost many years (probably over a decade) ago: the ability to cry when I’m sad. Being able to cry is, in a way, healthy – it lets you get things out. If you can’t cry, things might stay inside you indefinitely. They become aches that never quite go away. You can try, but they’re always there, holding you back.

I can’t remember when this could have happened. I’ve gone through so much pain in my life, especially during childhood, but also later, that it’s almost impossible to pinpoint any single event. Perhaps it was the bullying in school, seeing how crying only made the bullying worse (while trying to fight the bullies, on the other hand, did have some positive effect, once I got stronger). Crying also didn’t seem to help much against being abused (beaten) by my parents. But more likely it happened later. Perhaps it was after a girlfriend I had tried to manipulate me, used my emotions against me. It took a long time to develop a defense, and even longer (years) to fully recover. I was never quite the same again. But was that when I stopped crying? I can’t remember.

All I know is that it seems like it’s been forever since I could cry. Sometimes I want to, but I just can’t. I can be sad, broken, deeply depressed, mourning the loss of something or someone I cared deeply about, everything, yet I can’t cry. Even if I would want to, it just doesn’t seem to happen. Kind of like the skill isn’t there anymore. Instead, the pain just sits there inside me, slowly building up, and all I can do is learn to live with it.

And somehow, I did. I’ve even learned how to draw strength and resolve from the pain within. Every single day of my life hurts to live through, but it works for me. I’ve survived that way for as long as I can remember. It’s hard to find humans I can trust, but I can always trust the pain to be there.

But sometimes, I can’t help but wonder: what would it be like if I could cry? If I could just get it all out?

And maybe that’s part of the reason my loneliness has bothered me so much. Somehow, within me, I must have had this idea that if I would ever find a human I could trust with all my heart, then maybe, just maybe, I would be able to cry again.

I guess most of me thinks I never will. It’s just a dream.

I just wish it wasn’t. Especially right now. With everything that’s going on, the pain is worse than ever. How can I learn to live with it this time?