I’ve lost many things over the years. Many things I miss. And many of them I didn’t really have to lose. It’s those that hurt the most: things that are lost because of something I did or didn’t do. A result of my own choices.

I’ve been very busy the past year. Or past two years, maybe. And I never really had a very large surplus of energy to begin with, seeing how I’ve been spending most of it fighting depression for the last, I don’t know, 25 years maybe? I’ve found ways to win some battles (though usually at a price), but I haven’t yet won the war – possibly because I’ve never ever really been anything but alone. That has held me back a lot. And some things are lost because of just that. Many lost chances.

Other things have been lost over time, like some of my dreams and hopes. I can no longer remember or imagine what it’s like to not be alone, or to belong somewhere. I can’t even dream of it anymore, or even miss it. The concept is just wiped from my brain. It’s so strange. I remember that, many years ago, I told someone, very likely in vivid detail, of dreams I had. To not be alone; to have a wife, children, pets, and a house where I belonged. But today, though I can remember describing the dream, I can’t remember the dream itself. I can’t imagine having, or even ever wanting those things. And yet, I know this loss could be what I’m fighting every day.

But worst of all… well, from time to time, there have been people I’ve talked to. Some people that have upset me. And people I’ve been meaning to get back to eventually, but never had the time or energy. And… where it’s now too late. I know I’ll probably never talk to them again. And I feel guilty, for letting it happen this way. With so many things unsaid. People I wish I could tell I’m sorry.

In some ways it’s worse if they’re still alive, because… well, any negative consequences of what you’ve done (or not done) would have a so much bigger impact on someone who’s still alive for many years to come, than on someone who’s dead.

I’ve lost so many things, and people, over the years. And I’m sure I’ll lose many more before my journey ends. All I can hope is that, in the end, the losses and sacrifices might be worth it. They better be.