I just found out about the word “autotelic”. When applied to a person, it describes someone that doesn’t need or care about external motivation, such as money, power, or fame. Almost everything he/she does is motivated entirely from within by himself/herself, by a love for what he/she is doing. Because this inner motivation is usually fueled by the experience of “flow”, such people are generally also quite creative in their fields, and often stand out.

I never realized that there was a need for a word for this concept. I didn’t know that not everyone was motivated this way. For me, this was always simply the natural way – the only way – to live life. I certainly never realized that this was part of what has always made me different. Why people seem to have such a hard time believing me whenever I try to explain why I choose to do the things I do. Why I often choose the hard way to solve a problem. Why my principles and values are so foreign to everyone else.

But that’s something I used to be. Something has changed along the way, it doesn’t seem to be the way it used to be anymore. It’s probably that I’ve become more disillusioned over the years. Perfectionism, disappointment, depression, and guilt has taken their toll.

The basic psychology is still there. My values haven’t changed much, and I can still easily achieve flow if I need to accomplish something, but it takes effort and is not enjoyable. I can’t remember if it ever was, but all things considered, it must have been. Long ago.

For years now, I’ve tried to find a way up from all the things that have been bringing me down. And since nobody has helped me, I’ve had to rely only on my own inner strength, for as long as I can remember. Strangely, even at the darkest of times, I fought off my demons with no external motivations at all – I never expected good things to come out of it, I simply chose to live because, by my own standards, it seemed like the right thing to do.

I still don’t think life is anything but misery. The hope of ever being happy doesn’t motivate my choices at all, I know I probably never will be. I still do the things I do – push myself, work hard to become a better man, and try to make a difference – simply because I want to. I don’t care if I make money. I don’t care if I gain fame, I don’t even care that I’ll never be happy. For me, the things I do simply have their own value. I suppose the big difference from the way it used to be is that I always think ahead instead of living in the moment. I always have my own reasons for everything I do.

I wonder if realizing this will do any good. I want to find my way back to something I used to be, something in tune with the moment, something that might still be there somewhere, deep within – but could knowing a word for it help me? Or will this word just name another thing I don’t seem to have in common with most other people?